Since I’m an abysmal failure at getting anything up on schedule for this blog, I decided to make up for it by having a post that’s sort of timely. And with Halloween looming, I decided to try and be useful. To that end I’m presenting you with my tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse.
To be fair, my qualifications for such tips are three or four internet quizzes that have told me I’m most likely to survive to that particular world-ending situation. But I would like to think that those count for something. So even though I’m the type of person that asks why zombies don’t turn into a pile of grease within days during summer, I took a few minutes to think about what I would do if the dead started walking.
1) Avoid densely populated areas.
I cannot stress this one enough. If you want to avoid the nightmare situation of a decaying horde of ravenous corpses, you’re going to have to stay away from cities, suburbs, and any geographical location that might become a bottleneck when people start to flee. It’s easier to deal with the undead when they’re isolated, so once you’ve figured out a good supply point, get what you can and make for the middle of nowhere. You’ll be much happier for it.
2) Blunt-ish instruments are your friend.
This should come with the qualification that if you have a gun and know how to use it, fantastic. However if I have to face a zombie I’m going to go with a crowbar or an axe. This is partly because I can’t aim to save my life, but mostly because there will be an ammunition problem if you’re solely relying on firearms. Finding bullets is going to be a huge difficulty when you run out, and even if you find ammo, you’re going to have to make sure it actually fits whatever your gun type is. Yes, an axe will be of limited use if you run into a horde, but if you’re running into that many, you have bigger problems than can be solved with a gun.
3) Fresh zombies are your biggest threat.
We’re all familiar with the decaying nastiness of standard walkers (no intestines, smashed face, etc.), but the zombies you need to be scared of are the ones that are fresh into their second lives. They’ll have most of their muscles intact, so they’ll be able to move faster; their bones will be stronger and harder to smash; and they’ll have better perception in sight, hearing, and smell. And for such zombies, you will have to consider size. I have full confidence in my ability to dispatch a six-foot half-skeleton, but none in my odds against what would be essentially a rabid human of the same height.
4) Keep your group small.
I would say family only, but if you’re in a group of friends, that works as well. Whatever your group, make sure it’s people you trust and that each person knows how to fight to their strengths. I advocate groups because more eyes are more likely to spot threats. Plus you can sleep without being afraid of something chomping on your neck. But avoid taking in strangers. Actually, avoid strangers, period. That might sound heartless, but you will be opening yourself up to the threat of attacked for your supplies, your shelter, or whatever you’re using to survive. If you let others see that you’re surviving, people who aren’t scrupulous about theft and murder may start to wonder what you have what they don’t. That’s a situation to be avoided at all costs.
5) Be healthy.
No one seems to think about this when writing zombie apocalypse stories- The Walking Dead television show has only just gotten around to this issue after 3 freaking seasons. But health is something you must be aware of when surrounded by decay. If a zombie falls into your water supply, you have to get another. Food- even the canned stuff- will eventually start to spoil. If whatever caused dead humans to walk affects animals, you will have to be very careful if you hunt (can you imagine facing a zombie bear or deer?). Make sure you have medical supplies and grab a medical book from a library.
Other things to think about:
-Escape routes. Grab some maps and use your car while you can, but keep in mind that gas is going to disappear really, really fast. Always have a destination in mind.
-Radio. There won’t be wi-fi in the zombie apocalypse, so if there is an oasis of civilization out there, you’re probably going to come across it through the airwaves.
-Watch the animals. When there’s no life to be seen, it’s probably because there’s undead lurking somewhere.
-Learn from the best. The tips from Zombieland should become your ABCs.
And if you’re facing the nightmare horde… run.
I’m completely serious. Run.
You are going to be faster than the zombies and faster for longer stretches of time. Especially if you took the hint from the video and worked on your cardio. You will have better reaction time, peripheral vision, and techniques zombies don’t have such as reasoning and rationality. I’m firmly convinced that most zombie deaths in films could be avoided if the people in them didn’t freeze at the site of the undead. While it’s an understandable reaction, it’s one you cannot allow yourself. If you’re remotely in shape, odds are you can outsprint all but the freshest zombies. And even if you crash into one by mistake, throw it aside and keep going. It’s not as easy as you might think for decayed hands to break human skin. Just avoid the teeth and remember that it ain’t over until the undead are tearing into you wholesale.