“We’ve reached a point where a simple product such as a stepladder has to be sold with big red warning labels all over it, telling you not to dance on it, hold parties on it, touch electrical wires with it, hit people with it, swallow it, etc., because some idiot somewhere, sometime, actually did these things with a stepladder, got hurt, filed a lawsuit- and won.”
–Dave Barry Hits Below The Beltway
Your Honor, the evidence we have heard
May appear at first glance greatly absurd.
After all, dancing on a stepladder
Sounds like the action of a mad hatter.
But you see, Your Honor, there was a reason
For this procedure so out of season.
A bet was placed, and thus my client’s pride
Demanded he take the challenge in stride.
He needed to win for his self-esteem;
The ladder’s make should not hinder his dream!
The ladder’s label was ‘multi-purpose’;
The implications there are obvious.
With such a label there should be no chance
Of injury when performing a dance.
So can the manufacturers explain
The excessive bruises and mental pain
Suffered by my unfortunate client?
The ladder makers should be compliant
With our demands and make restitution.
It’s the only fair and just solution.
A/N: I actually turned this poem in for an assignment for poetry class, and last I checked, all the other poems were about fickle love interests or the darkness of the world, so it’ll be interesting to see how my grade compares. Hope you enjoyed it!